Scrambling
Sudden fear. A whole mish-mash of emotion that suddenly shoots through my body like a bolt of electricity. And I am suddenly stunned. My face remains frozen, as any good actor knows, you should never reveal your true emotion. No matter how much you loathe the lines or the situation, you keep the face and relax. I never thought in my life I'd see that face again, or hear that voice.
I never wanted to.
It's so surreal, but so real. Too tangible. And I am mortified. (If you can tell the short, choppy state of my sentences indicate how I am still in utter shock and somewhat displaced from seeing who I saw, I apologize. I think I just never thought of an appropriate response for coming into contact with someone who was so near, but then suddenly very far off.)
I heard that you've found someone new, which is very very good for you. I hope she can put up with all your drama, and you're both having a good time together. I can't tell if the girl you were with tonight is the one whom you call dearest, but sincerely, I hope you last long and happy. Because what I'm feeling isn't a revival of emotion, I think. It's-
Ah.
A deep sense of resonance for mistakes I've committed before. I never thought of a conditioned response to being faced with such adversity at such close proximity. I never found myself felling the keys to look at how you're doing, or anything. I assumed you're fine, and that everything is peachy. Yes, it doesn't matter. Everything is the past and what I have are memories of a strange time.
I'm typing this post mostly to execute quick, painless catharsis because when things like this happen, thoughts run amok in my head and I see the need to quickly expel it out of my head, before it explodes like a time bomb and I suddenly sink very far below the surface where I can't breathe. I warn myself not to think of possibility and not to think of all the things I could have said and done or what I ought to do. No no, I must remember that the life I live now is the good one. I have good friends, best friends, new troubles and new things to focus on. There's no time to waste on such silly little thinkings.
My internal british voice is exploding in my head and I'm now furiously using british english while I talk. This always happens when I'm angry or on a roll, oh no.
I'm going to go do something stupid like play games and ignore work. Fine time to bump into someone when I'm tired out of my mind from studying today.
But hey, I won't complain- maybe it's a blessing in disguise, and that life enjoys keeping me on my toes.
Now, to compose myself over a cup of tea.
xoxo
I never wanted to.
It's so surreal, but so real. Too tangible. And I am mortified. (If you can tell the short, choppy state of my sentences indicate how I am still in utter shock and somewhat displaced from seeing who I saw, I apologize. I think I just never thought of an appropriate response for coming into contact with someone who was so near, but then suddenly very far off.)
I heard that you've found someone new, which is very very good for you. I hope she can put up with all your drama, and you're both having a good time together. I can't tell if the girl you were with tonight is the one whom you call dearest, but sincerely, I hope you last long and happy. Because what I'm feeling isn't a revival of emotion, I think. It's-
Ah.
A deep sense of resonance for mistakes I've committed before. I never thought of a conditioned response to being faced with such adversity at such close proximity. I never found myself felling the keys to look at how you're doing, or anything. I assumed you're fine, and that everything is peachy. Yes, it doesn't matter. Everything is the past and what I have are memories of a strange time.
I'm typing this post mostly to execute quick, painless catharsis because when things like this happen, thoughts run amok in my head and I see the need to quickly expel it out of my head, before it explodes like a time bomb and I suddenly sink very far below the surface where I can't breathe. I warn myself not to think of possibility and not to think of all the things I could have said and done or what I ought to do. No no, I must remember that the life I live now is the good one. I have good friends, best friends, new troubles and new things to focus on. There's no time to waste on such silly little thinkings.
My internal british voice is exploding in my head and I'm now furiously using british english while I talk. This always happens when I'm angry or on a roll, oh no.
I'm going to go do something stupid like play games and ignore work. Fine time to bump into someone when I'm tired out of my mind from studying today.
But hey, I won't complain- maybe it's a blessing in disguise, and that life enjoys keeping me on my toes.
Now, to compose myself over a cup of tea.
xoxo
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