From the confines
In that very moment I felt the care I had for the entire situation just bleed into the overly-warm sheets beneath my ribs. They drained out of me like the willpower I had to continue fighting for what I fundamentally knew was nothing. Because I had been told my best had not been enough, again.
It's in complete powerlessness that I will the carriage of good intention and positivity away from the ailing frame, all in a bid to mire myself in the knowledge that everything would be fruitless. To absolute naught. That try as I might to correct the situation, nothing would change.
And so I give up.
Watch every struggle burst into grey clouds of dust that hum with mocking, instead of some technicolour display I thought would occur if I had simply believed hard enough that I would heal in time for things to work out.
Positivity was never my strong point.
**
Okay, so I'm a little bit more than salty right now because I've been in Hospital for four days. No point hiding it now, since Lancelot put it on my instagram- but I've been having the worst time because I was supposed to travel tomorrow. But obviously- that's not happening. And I feel completely awful about it.
Wasn't just a burden to myself, oh nooooo. Was a burden to the friends I was travelling with too. It's an excellent feeling to be bung down with (and to know that one of the friends you were travelling actually feels this situation was your own doing for not taking care of yourself well enough), on top of a pair of kidneys that are inflamed. You also read that right, my damn kidneys are inflamed. If I had a good idea of how or why this happened I would feel a lot better about the situation, but I don't- so here I am, sitting in the hospital bed I've been in for the last three days, hoping for some miracle to occur which, obviously, isn't happening.
I may as well change the title of this blog to "An encyclopedia of growing and literal pains", but I don't think a title too long has a good ring to it. Besides, as my very good friend (and representative of my male self) told me, "You're like murphy's law in motion. But you always kind of survive, and are always really salty about it".
Sometimes I find my life is a complete joy, but also a complete joke.
As I continue swearing at my internal organs for once again giving me the ultimate punch in the gut by denying me freedom and comfort at a really, really terrible timing, I must acknowledge the people who have gone the extra mile to come and visit me, while I whine incessantly about a situation that could have been much worse. Did I mention I was told that I was whining? I think I have a right to whine, thank you very much, I'm sure you'd like to try having fevers so high they make your body shake like a leaf in a thunderstorm. I suppose at the end of the day I should have regular kidney function at the end of this.
Fingers crossed. At this point I have no idea what's going to happen at the end of the day.
Thanks to A & B who came down with food from the bazaar at Geylang Serai, although they live like at the opposite end of the country- thank you to K who came two days in a row to visit me and make sure I was all good. Thank you to ZY who came with two amazing books and his quality of humor which I missed from all the sap I've been absorbing, Qbby who rushed down the moment she found out and kind of panicked at me, Lancelot my darling who popped down on day one as well, and then J- who towards all I can say is "Thank you, but also no thank you for what you said today."
I currently thrive on the fact that I do have friends who care enough to come visit me. Of course regaining regular body function and not knowing where my kidneys are based on agony alone would be good reasons to stay positive- except one at times cannot help but see nothing but the inconvenience and negativity that has occurred because your body has pulled a stunt on you like this.
Of course there are many others who have it worse and have longer standing conditions at even more untimely timings to worse loss or whatnot, but I suppose from each person's standpoint the crest of the hill from the bottom of the valley will always be different.
I suppose I look forward to the day that I can bury this sickening feeling under a building.
It's in complete powerlessness that I will the carriage of good intention and positivity away from the ailing frame, all in a bid to mire myself in the knowledge that everything would be fruitless. To absolute naught. That try as I might to correct the situation, nothing would change.
And so I give up.
Watch every struggle burst into grey clouds of dust that hum with mocking, instead of some technicolour display I thought would occur if I had simply believed hard enough that I would heal in time for things to work out.
Positivity was never my strong point.
**
Okay, so I'm a little bit more than salty right now because I've been in Hospital for four days. No point hiding it now, since Lancelot put it on my instagram- but I've been having the worst time because I was supposed to travel tomorrow. But obviously- that's not happening. And I feel completely awful about it.
Wasn't just a burden to myself, oh nooooo. Was a burden to the friends I was travelling with too. It's an excellent feeling to be bung down with (and to know that one of the friends you were travelling actually feels this situation was your own doing for not taking care of yourself well enough), on top of a pair of kidneys that are inflamed. You also read that right, my damn kidneys are inflamed. If I had a good idea of how or why this happened I would feel a lot better about the situation, but I don't- so here I am, sitting in the hospital bed I've been in for the last three days, hoping for some miracle to occur which, obviously, isn't happening.
I may as well change the title of this blog to "An encyclopedia of growing and literal pains", but I don't think a title too long has a good ring to it. Besides, as my very good friend (and representative of my male self) told me, "You're like murphy's law in motion. But you always kind of survive, and are always really salty about it".
Sometimes I find my life is a complete joy, but also a complete joke.
As I continue swearing at my internal organs for once again giving me the ultimate punch in the gut by denying me freedom and comfort at a really, really terrible timing, I must acknowledge the people who have gone the extra mile to come and visit me, while I whine incessantly about a situation that could have been much worse. Did I mention I was told that I was whining? I think I have a right to whine, thank you very much, I'm sure you'd like to try having fevers so high they make your body shake like a leaf in a thunderstorm. I suppose at the end of the day I should have regular kidney function at the end of this.
Fingers crossed. At this point I have no idea what's going to happen at the end of the day.
Thanks to A & B who came down with food from the bazaar at Geylang Serai, although they live like at the opposite end of the country- thank you to K who came two days in a row to visit me and make sure I was all good. Thank you to ZY who came with two amazing books and his quality of humor which I missed from all the sap I've been absorbing, Qbby who rushed down the moment she found out and kind of panicked at me, Lancelot my darling who popped down on day one as well, and then J- who towards all I can say is "Thank you, but also no thank you for what you said today."
I currently thrive on the fact that I do have friends who care enough to come visit me. Of course regaining regular body function and not knowing where my kidneys are based on agony alone would be good reasons to stay positive- except one at times cannot help but see nothing but the inconvenience and negativity that has occurred because your body has pulled a stunt on you like this.
Of course there are many others who have it worse and have longer standing conditions at even more untimely timings to worse loss or whatnot, but I suppose from each person's standpoint the crest of the hill from the bottom of the valley will always be different.
I suppose I look forward to the day that I can bury this sickening feeling under a building.
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